FADES IN THE BACKGROUND

So I was chatting it up on facebook with a friend of mine whom I haven't talked with in a long time. One of those friends that you always got along with but time and space just got in the way. Well there we were, she and I were gabbing on about our love for Scrabble and how we can't find anyone to play with us anymore as if no time had passed.

As time walked on in the conversation my grandmother's passing came up and my friend brought up her mother and how this past year was the year that marked my friend being alive longer than she knew her mother. I don't know why, but i teared up. I cried (and I am not a crier.) My friend talked about going to Italy because she realized that life is too short and you can't wait around to accomplish your goals. She talked about how her mother's death taught her that lesson. And as I was talking about my grandmother I started realizing how special that woman was cause of how she treated and loved everyone, despite her sharp wit and tongue.

However, this is not a "life-is-short" blog; we all know that lesson. However, as time marches on we talk less and less about our loved ones that have passed; or we stop discussing why the person we are with or why our family is important to us; or we stop mentioning the things that our loved ones did for us (no matter how small.) This is a very dangerous thing to stop talking about.

If we stop bringing these things up from time to time then they begin to fade into the background and just become the pieces of cloth that is on our skin, and they no longer are the threads that binds the cloths together. These are the things that make us whole. The way someone completes us, the lesson we learned when the person passed, or the little thing that someone did that made us go, "that is why i love them." Those are the threads.

For example, take it whenever in life you learned that important life lesson of "life is short" That time when we learned that lesson helped us put into perspective that hose dreams we have for ourselves or the goals of traveling or whatever are slowly losing time. Therefore that lesson is the thread that can sew the dream to the reality.

Or: maybe the person we love is getting on our deepest nerves one day, almost to the point of us just wanting to walk away. That memory of the time they let you sing in the car without asking you to shut up could be thread that holds the walking away to staying together.

We can't stop talking about these important things. These are the moments in life when we had realizations; when something that never made sense before became clear, and if we mention those moments but then begin to walk away from them and lose them out of our vocabulary, then we tend to go back to the way we were before the lesson was learned. What progress have we made when we do that?

So I say that if your grandmother made you realize that goals are to be accomplished or if your special someone put a note of gratitude in your car visor and you understood why you were with that person, or if your dog wanting you to love on him made you realize that simple things are important too, than don't stop talking about it. Mention it. Bring it up. And keep in mind that the friends that roll their eyes at the cheesiness of the conversation are the friends that haven't learned that you have to mention these things, cause these are the things that are the fabric of true happiness.

It's not achieving the goal that is the true joy, it is the moment when you realize you can do it.

BITE THE BULLET

Love. This is the only word in any language that is complicated to understand. I mean it has so many levels (and you're not always happy when you feel it which makes it more confusing.) Love holds a lot of weight, as it should, but I think sometimes it holds too much weight. As a society we assign it a place in the stratosphere. We make love this big thing in the sky that is graced on certain people. We make love this thing that people have to work for. Love is supposed to be a power not a "thing." And the truth of the matter is: EVERYONE DESERVES LOVE!

Love has levels. There is a love of one person to another person. Love of parent to child. Love of friend to friend. Love of person to dog. Love of yourself. Love of a type of clothing. Love of a type of beverage. Love of our favorite curse word. Love of God. Love of religion.

The list of loves is a very long list and it can go on and on and on. However, here is the funny thing: we really are careful about using the word. We never tell people that we love them enough. It is very odd you know. I mean we feel it but we hold it back; we keep it from people as if it is a gold ring they should come and get.

My theory is simple. I don't think that love starts until you bite the bullet and actually say the words. Yes, I know actions speak louder than words, and I would never say that people can't show love by actions, of course they can (a dog is a case and point - or a cat for those of you who love those (but that is another blog)).

Is it uncomfortable to say we love someone? HELL YES IT IS!!! It is extremely hard. If it was easy we would just say the word without any weight attached to it. However, times come when we feel it and we want to say it but we don't cause we think it would just be too weird, or the person we said it to would think we were strange. So much care into what the person woudl think.

I say don't care! Say the word, cause the fact of the matter is this. We can show love all day long and people can see it through our actions, but let's face it, sometimes words are just more powerful. They mean more cause we can all identify with the fact that it took courage to say them (cause it takes courage when WE want to say them.)

So I know this wasn't a deep blog but please take this away from this: BITE THE BULLET AND JUST TELL THE ONES YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM!!! (And mean it, cause we always know.)

HOLES IN OUR SYSTEM

So there is one thing about this blog I make an effort to refrain from discussing; my personal life. This is supposed to be a blog based on my ideas from my experiences. However, the recent experience I have had cannot pull the personal life from my thoughts at all.

I rang in the New Year with a bit of a heartbreak, the death of my first grandparent. I could go on and on about her, but that is not what this blog entry is about. However, I must say something about her and I can tell you that this woman knew how to believe in something and knew how to make people feel like they were not above or below her if they didn't agree. That is a remarkable fete that made her well loved and appreciated by people from both up the street and in her heart.

Considering this is the first funeral I have ever been to where I sat in the first couple of pews reserved for family, needless to say a lot of thoughts went through my head. None of them as strong as watching my grandfather during the week I was in Little Rock. This man spent 63 years married to this woman. I have seen the face of what true heartbreak is and it isn't a relationship that falls apart after a year or two. True heartbreak is watching someone you love move on without you, and since I love my grandfather my heart was breaking for him. It breaks now as I type these words.

I figure that when someone passes no matter what our belief of life after death, we are left with holes in our system. It is like a little piece of us has been taken with them. I felt that yesterday while looking at a picture of the family that I had to leave 17 hours away. I feel that my grandmother is has left several holes in my system. I think those holes get filled in though, and the way i picture it in my head is like this: picture just the outline of a body with holes in it like cheese. Now fill in everything around the holes. I think those holes get filled in with light. In my head I see light just bursting through those holes.

Now I don't know what this light is, I'm sorry to say. Maybe it is memory, maybe it is an odd mixture of happiness and sadness (cause that is what I feel.) I don' t know but in my head i just see holes filled with light, but there is definitely a piece of us that is missing, that isn't part of us anymore; and yet it still is a huge part of us. I hope that makes sense.

I know this isn't scientifically correct, but I come from the impression that my family is a part of me. Inside of me is 50% of my mother and 50%my father. Of that percentage 25% of me is everyone of my grandparents. They are with me at all times. Take that however your thoughts allow it to take you, maybe it is in spirit, maybe in blood, or just in the genes I carry with me at all times, but inside of me they are there and they are alwys prevelent.

They exist in the way I do my crosswords, they exist in the expressions I make (or the curse words I say), or the way I pull up my pants when they get too saggy. They exist in the way I use my fork, in the way I love poached eggs rather then scrambled, in the way I drive my car, in the way I sing constantly. They are there and there is no way to get them out of my inner self. I am proud to have part of them in there. I am proud that that light in those holes are shining through. However, I do not like that someone has to pass for you to see how truly deep those holes are.

I understand that as time goes on the outlook for everyone looks similar, we get old and we pass. However, without the death part, the life part doesn't hold any meaning. I think we should all realize where we come from and get to know our family (both blood and non-blood) and just love them for who they are (faults and all) because if we don't then the holes left within us will just be holes and there will be no light to shine through. Maybe the light that shines through is that part of us that is them.